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I moved back to the ‘burbs eleven months ago.

Where did that eleven month chunk of time go exactly?

I must have missed it in-between job searching, resume writing, teaching, freelance projects, American Museum of Natural History, dating, EatDrinkJobs, giving up dairy, finding my friends, throwing people weddings, being Aunt Thea, painting walls, breaking down others, giving gratitude, a craptastic break up, re-writing resumes, cover letters, testing boundaries, wiping tears, interviews, networking, e-mails, Stupid Cancer, throwing things out, planning events and writing thank you notes.

And for my thirty-first birthday my mother gave me a banner that says, “You yourself as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.” ~ Buddha

Love and affection is on the menu for the next eleven months.

After a weekend in the “country” I am headed back to my “other” life. When I first moved upstate there were so many emotions and uncertainties. And here I am living somewhere else and still have just as many uncertainties. I’m a better person for taking the risk, but the real question has become, now what? There are a few things I know for sure:

1. Moving to the country was one of the boldest things I had ever done and there are many people who would have never taken the leap. I am proud of myself for doing it in the first place.

2. The decision to leave the country and pursue career opportunities elsewhere was one of the hardest things I have ever done. And there are many people who would have just stayed. I am proud that I have the will to make decisions and carry them through with conviction.

3. The relationships I have are gifts from heaven. Although I have yet to meet the “one” I have strong and supportive roots in many places and spaces. These people are loving, supportive, kind and cheer me on in all that I do. I walk into a room and people actually cheer. It’s an insane and amazing reaction to get from your peers. Apparently, as I was told this weekend, “I see why everyone is so obsessed with you.” Humbled. And thankful.

4. People are not going to change. My Dad’s theory reins true, we are pretty much fully developed by seven years old, the rest of it is further development of our basic personality. We can expect or demand change from someone else. We can only do our own changing and growing. Including the way we react to behaviors we don’t care for. It’s our work we have to do.

“Ahh, Home
Yes, I am Home
Home is when I’m alone with you.”
~ Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes

If nothing else, the last few weeks have taught me that the “stuff” I had to put into storage is not the only thing being kept away. There is an incredible defense system already built into our “how and I going to deal?” thought process. And just as my “stuff” was put away, so were my emotions. I am no where near the opening of that floodgate, but do know that it has to be sorted into the same piles as all of the other “stuff” – keep, throw out, giveaway and store.

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“The more you have, the more you are occupied, the less you give. The less you have, the more free you are.” ~ Mother Teresa

I moved out of the “country” house five days ago. And for most of the days since, I have cried my self to sleep. It’s like a bad break up with out the hopes of really good make-up sex.

I knew I was attached to the house, in all of its colorful glory. I knew that I had fallen in love with “the country.” I especially knew how important my “country” friends had become. They are my family, even more so than some blood. We chose to be together.

A series of unfortunate events left me without a lot of choices. And at 30, one has to decide to put some things first. As an unattached babyless renter, your career tends to be the right choice. So I decided to pack up my things and move back to Long Island. For a reorg. A proper job search back in the city. And maybe even a recharge, refocus, regroup.

Dear friends in San Francisco insisted on a visit once the move was over. Smart move. I’ve been in the other coast for a few days now and I for the first time last night I didn’t shed a tear when my head hit the pillow. I was okay. Maybe the bedtime tears have run out. I know the talking about the roommate and the house tears have not. They are still strong and uninterrupted.

So, as the many many many decisions still need to be made as to what is next, there are a few things that are certain:

  • My heart is fuller than it has ever been before.
  • I am absolutely in love with the Hudson Valley.
  • I will carefully look into all career moves with diligence and the emphasis on the right fit.

And I will absolutely continue to believe in my Nana’s words of wisdom, “Thea, you imagine it and then you make it happen.”

 

I am ready.

I am ready for it to stop raining. I am ready for sundresses and flip-flops.

I am ready to fall in love.

I am ready to change my hair color.

I am ready to create.

I am ready to let go.

I am ready to move on.

I am ready to forgive, but not forget.

I am ready to manifest change on a higher level and help the people around me to do the same.

I am ready to bake. And cook. And make homemade mozzarella.

I am ready for the rest of my life to get started.

I am ready to change my bedspread.

I am ready to say goodbye to my insecurities.

I am ready to accept help.

I am ready to clean out my closets, material and intangible.

I am ready to make a difference.

I am ready to dance.

I am ready.

“It just goes to show you that you don’t really know how impactful you are on someone’s life.  It’s really important to be the best person you can be because you don’t know what kind of an impact your actions are having on the other person. ” ~ Thea Linscott on July 1, 2009

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